FRAIL

Hello, world…I know, I know. It has been too long, and many of you are suffering, grieving, and/or sick. I am so sorry. I feel you…All of you. I am thinking about everything going on and praying much more than what is mentally healthy for me. I can’t help it. I feel it all too strongly, and I care way too much about our world and humanity to not do it. I have changed so much in the last year and a half. My entire household has. None of it is good either.

Photo by Zachary DeBottis on Pexels.com

I know the way I have dealt with this pandemic has mentally hurt myself. Worse than that, my husband and children. I have been way too hard on them and myself. I have someone I love dearly so vulnerable though. He is vulnerable to regular colds. Nobody understands this though. Or maybe they don’t care. Nonetheless, his loved ones seem to try to look over it often. So, I am always trying to protect him. Everytime he gets sick with anything and it affects his lungs, THAT SCAR TISSUE IS GROWING! The scar tissue in his lungs is one HUGE BLOCKAGE. Just GROWING AND GROWING. Hell, he has pneumonia right now FFS. We both have understood for a while now he is in his final stage of the IPF. But! We could very well still maybe have a few more years together if we can keep him from getting sick. And this is not even thinking about or considering freaking COVID. And these mfers haven’t approved even his disability yet. All they do is blame each other. The lawyer and the state. Oh, and they blame this fecking pandemic too. It makes me sick to think he is spending what time he has left dealing with losing his pride from not being able to work. To give some financial relief to this house, would mean just to pay the bills. That is all. Our fecking air hasn’t worked in nearly 7 weeks now. This is a horrid! HORRID SITUATION! God, I need strength and help. I also think I started the change. But hell who knows. My heart palpitations are worse than ever too but can’t do anything about that either. Sometimes, here lately, I have kind of hoped for a nice easy swift sleep that I never wake up from… Sorry, everyone. I am not serious. I am okay. We are all okay…Right?

So, the lawyers called today about his new records from his doctors on recent tests he had done on his Pulmonary Fibrosis… GUESS WHAT? The lawyer now believes he is qualified for the fast approval of disability called compassionate allowance. This makes zero sense because we have been trying to get his disability approved for two years now. But, Oh, NOW he qualifies for fast approval on the appeal since the doctors don’t think he has long left. They are saying not even two more years. He has really lost so much lung capacity since 2020. And this all makes me so sick SO SO SO mentally and physically sick. That we are losing him. The greatest man I have ever known. And that they put us off about his disability all this time & it just added more stress to this household that we didn’t need. So, yes, it ALL MAKES MY CHEST HURT. I don’t sleep now more than 3-4 hours. I know I need to get back on some mental health meds and get help. IDK what to do. I sure as FK don’t know who to reach out to others. I don’t like being vulnerable. BTW I am SO ANGRY! I am angry at the world and him. I swear. How sorry am I? Like, you are dying on me Mikey. The least you could do is be perfect. WTF 😒.

People say that I’m very sensitive. But to be honest, I just feel everything a little too much. Every word that people say, every action, every decision, and every gesture go directly to my heart.

Well, if you are still here. Thank you. I am sorry we are all going through a lot. Well, some of us. Many of us. Thank you for following me and for reading my crazy thoughts. Please, DON’T judge me. Stay safe and humble! Take care of yourself and family. DON’T take them for granted.

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Yes, we do have a Go Fund me. It is https://gofund.me/363a70df or if you would like to assist or help our family with cash app it is $EmilyHicks82. Our Venmo is @Emily-Hicks-999. Thank you ❤️

Panic Blog #4: Doctor, I need a sanity Check and a Health Check :(

Well, this is Quarantine # …. Who the hell knows anymore?

LOL, Right? Well…sometimes you gotta laugh not to cry!

Life has been difficult lately. Ever since they finally admitted the other day that everyone should be wearing masks, oh man, I have been even more stressed. Plus, the whole mask thing is just another fucking item that is extinct around here. It has been weeks now since I found any hand sanitizer or masks. Who else out there feels cheated about the information on masks? I do, in fact, feel betrayed. They had to have known this entire time that people should protect their face somehow. I just pray to my God that it is not too late for me or my husband to start wearing bandannas as nose and mouth protection if and when we absolutely need to leave. It is just that we are out of hand sanitizer and I feel so fucking naked and exposed without it. Why is hand sanitizer so important to me? When I leave for a Dr. appointment, pharmacy, food shopping, and household supplies I feel vulnerable without it.

The struggle is REAL!

Yes, it is real, and I am losing my mind.

Today was a really bad day mentally. I get so overwhelmed and a huge burst of anxiety-ridden energy just sweeps over me. Once it does that, well, let’s just say it is bad, m’ kay? I have a hard time controlling myself and my “virus-freak-out” type of behavior. It usually centers around mostly me when I have to leave the house but occasionally (like once a week) I let Mikey out for good behavior. LOL. I am kidding about the last part.

I hope all of the images are okay with you all. . . I do not know how else to express what I am feeling right now unless it is through writing in my covid panic blog or using images in it. It is one of the things that I am doing to cope and deal with it.

Who else can relate? It is okay if you can not. In fact, I hope none of you can relate to my craziness. I am here though if you need to talk.

I just stopped to look at Good Morning America and man those headlines at the bottom are fucking bleak and depressing this morning. I wake up to a different world every day. The next seems to be worse than the previous. I really feel like I am cracking up. There are just simply too many “rabbit holes” existing at the moment. If anyone needs to read this about mental health, here you go. I know through all of this that I have started to focus or center a lot of my blogs around mental health. This is because I am very concerned about our world’s mental and physical health from the impact of all of this.

That loss of control over my body is huge for me, my OCD with germs is worse than it has ever been, and my anxiety is bad enough that I have craved (for the first time in at least three to four years) a Valium or anything in the benzodiazepine family.

I believe that I have too much empathy, and I always have, but up until the last couple of months it was always manageable. I have thought this for a long time about being very highly sensitive to the energies that surround us. I didn’t even know that word- empathetic- before ten or more years ago. I did understand and know that I felt things that other people do not at certain places, around various people, and even my books impacted me more than others. I am so grateful for the last twenty years of my life. I love listening to music, feeling the hair stand up, and that crack in your voice from the emotion you feel while singing it. Humanity can be so beautiful and so violently ugly. I love reading something that makes my eyes fill up with wetness from the overwhelming emotion like in a poem. The emotion that the poet is conveying to the reader can be so beautiful that it breaks your heart while reading it. I don’t feel good mentally right now. I need to just hold on to an enchnanting feeling that beautiful ART of ANY KIND has ALWAYS done to me. Call me emotional em. My husband says that is why I am so passionate about the arts and why I can understand so many different versions of it. I feel so much and have so much emotion in me from myself, yes, but also from all that I am feeling from the rest of the world. He is right. Songs, paintings, beautiful classical music, meditation music, poetry, classical poetry, abstract art, and books are all of the ways that I cope with all of my intense passions. In the words of John Lennon’s Imagine (A personal favorite) “You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one.” This was an emblem of hope at one time, and I think we could all use one right now.

Saturday we are going to go ride some good ol’ country roads and we will even get out and walk some on the old gravel roads. I can’t wait!!! We used to do it with the kids when they were little but it has probably been ten years. They are excited about it too because they have not left here in weeks. I have a secret but I think it is just me being crazy. (I don’t feel good) God, I hope not! I pray that we will have that day together underneath the luminous stars! I am begging for Mikey and me to be healthy enough Saturday to do those plans. The kids, him, and me all four really need this to happen, please!!!

Yes! LOL! Anyone else feeling like this?

Question: True of False? One should not take any nsaids if they have the virus?

Please tell me yes or no with sources that are credible. Is it true what they are saying about taking any kind of NSAIDS during the coronavirus if you have it? I really want to understand if it is real or just a great example of the bad information available right now. NSAIDS are ibuprofen, advil, naproxen, aleve etc. Anyone that knows anything about fevers know they help way better for a fever then tylenol or acetaminophen. If you include how high the fevers are running with this shit, then one can understand why we need the correct information out about this. Tylenol (especially if you are immune to tylenol) does not do much for a really high fever like Advil does. So, please answer my question if you might know more about it than me. People swear by it, but why? Is it just because of one study that China did on it? Thanks, and please feel free to comment!

This is just an image for the blog! It is not my temperature!

PANIC BLOG #3 “You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late.”

Hello, everyone! Here we are now at week 3 of being quarantined (for us) and not leaving, unless we have to, at my house. I hope and pray all the time for all of humanity. I am not bragging. I just want everyone to understand how bad this all has really affected me. I was trying to warn everyone toward the end of February but no one cared then and some still don’t. I was freaking out back then because I began to get a foreboding sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach when reading the news from China. I would find myself in tears and the chills while reading about this virus. Since I was unable to understand my physical response to the news, I was hoping so badly that I was just tripping. I even started telling myself that I was reacting this way to it because I am already very careful and meticulous about germs before this ever started. You see, this is probably my worst nightmare (to live while a worldwide pandemic happens because of a unknown virus that attacks the lungs in a way that we have NEVER seen before). Unfortunately, I was kidding myself. My own family wrote me off. My husband begging me to calm down about it, my kids literally treating me like I have lost my mind, all of them looking at me with worried eyes, and even my brother saying “This is America, we will be fine if it does come here.” Me- “Well, are you not worried about how it could affect the stores?” Him- “No way because this is America. We will not ever have to worry about not finding what we need to survive.” This was about three weeks ago when my kids got out for spring break and was mad because I would not let them go anywhere or have company. Yes, I did let one go to a family members house for a couple of days but still not in the public, even then, did I want them going anywhere. I write, read the news, and research the latest scholarly articles on research about this every other day. It makes me sick the way America has responded to this. It really does. I suppose, I am just trying to make it through this one word, one hand-washing, one Lysol wipe at a time.

If I have to get out of the house, this is what I do when I come back with my purchases: 1. Take shoes off (push aside for the moment with my feet at the front door). 2. Set down my bags of purchased items and make anyone in the kitchen or hallway go the hell away. 3. Take everything out of the bags and gather all of my bags to be thrown away. (I have bags from the last four years so I have plenty of “before the virus bags” to use). 4. Wash hands for the first time since arriving at the house (I do this to cut down on the germs and cross-contamination). I hope everyone is educated about cross-contamination. 5. Take paper towels and antibacterial or disinfectant spray and wipe every single item down then put in the freezer or fridge. If it does not go in the refrigerator then I try my best to be able to take it out of it’s packaging. I store all of the boxes with the bags by the front door. 6. At this time, I call a family member in there to collect anything that can be put up now (if I need their help). 7. I take everything to the dumpster. 8. Come back, and wash hands again. 8. Clean the car and front door with cleaner and the sides and bottoms of my shoes. 9. Go upstairs and strip down naked. Everything is put in a bag to be washed asap (Which sucks for me because I have to use a public laundromat). Yes, I clean the laundromat before use and after. 10. Take a shower and scrub, scrub, scrub, while praying. 11. Get dressed in fresh “house clothes” (Usually my favorite ten year old nightgown). 12. Then I sit and try to calm down. 13. Go back over everything just in case I missed something when I first returned home (I feel like this is important because I always return home upset from the conditions of our aisles and shelves in the stores and usually upset about something I observed while out) Sorry, but it scares the hell out of me. 13. Wash hands again. I am finally done!

“We just can’t shut down the world. So our job is going to be in the face of this coronavirus problem of making sure we also provide for the basic necessities for everyone until we get through.”
WCCO, Mar 3, 2020, referring to COVID-19

GRATITUDE TIME: Yes, I realize I might sound crazy in my blogs these days. Hell, I am crazy. I have a husband on oxygen therapy already. I can not allow him to get this shit. CAN NOT! I want to say that I am so grateful for the people that have reached out a hand to help us lately through this. It means more to me than you all will ever know. I am not used to help from others and it is so very appreciated. Please know that I appreciate your love, kindness, support, and generosity. The act of doing it right now is so meaningful to me because although every day I am seeing, or experiencing, the worst of humanity, at the same time I am also experiencing or reminded of the best and the good in humanity. Thank You for reminding me that I am loved, for giving me hope in humanity, a light during these dark times, and for reminding me why I have always chose to believe in the goodness in people! I also want to share this quote please, “You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late.” I also want to say- I know I am nobody- but if you are still going to work because you have to thank you so much for doing it and I love you! If you are helping someone because you can and they need it, Thank You So Much and I love you! If you are working in the medical field Thank You so Much and I love YOU! You are a real soldier (and earthangel) in this war! If you are grateful that you are home safe and so are your children, Thank You Too! We should all learn not to take each other for granted from this. We have several things to learn, I think. More on that later, though. If you are home suffering as you read this, then please hold on. It will get better. I wish so badly that I could heal everyone and fix all of this. I wish that I could help the ones dying alone right now. No one should have to die alone without their loved ones by their side or holding their hand. NO ONE! Yet, that is what is happening. Please for the love of God, do not take this shit lightly. The healthy ones are also getting it and dying. The best scenarios for many people still are really bad. Please be safe everyone and wash your hands constantly. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/24/magazine/coronavirus-family.html For fucks sake, read this story and then read the comments! The comments have other stories of coronavirus patients in them. Please read them!

How do we change the world? One random act of kindness at a time!

Thank you for reading my blog! Look, we are all human, we all bleed red, and we are all in this together guys! WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS! (And we WILL)!

Panic Blog #2 Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive!

I just want to clarify that I didn’t mean to create a blog last time that could have potentially been viewed as “A Fear Mongering Blog.” I would never try to spread fear or panic, NEVER! Please, Please understand that I was only trying to let someone else suffering with extreme anxiety know that they ARE NOT ALONE! I promise the “panic blog” that I am writing during this time is for the ones scared, worried, or nervous. I just feel like if you are having thoughts like I am during this pandemic, then I definitely want you to know I am here. I am scared too. You are not alone in this.

Might not be tonight, tomorrow, or the next day but everything is going to be okay…Right?

I am so tired of worrying. This weekend I started having a really bad sore and red throat with a fever. I was so scared and worried about having the coronavirus. However, I had some of my daughter’s leftover amoxicillin from a week ago when she tested positive for strep throat. Thankfully, I feel some better today. I think that’s what I had- strep throat. The doctor would not even see me so I had to make due with what I have. In the long run, I suppose I am grateful for not going to a doctor and being exposed perhaps to that terrifying coronavirus. Anyway, nowadays, all I wanna do is read. However, we did some extra cleaning this weekend and we are not finished. We are gonna wash our walls this week. I also started meditating again with my favorite chant. Om mani padme hum. I chanted and meditated for 45 minutes yesterday evening. I am not even sure what that chant means but I have loved it for about four years now. Everytime I look up what it means, I get conflicted meanings and end up deciding, that it is not important. What is important is that for some reason it has always calmed my anxiety. That two hour YouTube video of the chant is usually what I use. There is something about the music and the mantra that makes me feel so emotional and full of love, while; additionally, feeling the connectedness of humanity. I called CVS, family dollar, the dollar stores, and the grocery stores with zero luck in finding Lysol and hand sanitizer again. THIS IS THE THIRD SUNDAY WITH ZERO LUCK ON FINDING THIS SHIT! You see, we have been using sanitizer when we are out of our home for a long time before this virus arrived because we have such a difficult time recovering from even simple colds. We hate getting sick in my house. So, I do not know what the hell we are going to do. Does anyone else feel like they are living in a book or just a feeling that this is no longer the world we used to know just a month ago? I swear, I can feel it. It also feels like the bad is only beginning. I am hoping more than ever that it is just my paranoia or craziness. Right?… I keep wondering what will become the new normal?

My heart goes out to the healthcare workers, truckers, store employees of any kind, and all the rest of you that still have to get out every day to work during this time! I think you all are so brave and courageous. You are the world’s heroes and earth angels! I have read some conflicting information about possible cures for the covid-19. There was a study where the Malaria medicine called Chloroquine was very successful in narrowing down the number of days one is sick with this virus. It also drastically helped keep the virus from attacking the lungs. Has anyone else read about this? Supposedly there are already Lupus patients having a hard time finding this medicine due to people hoarding it already. I do not know how true this information is. These are Medium and The Atlantic articles. I also read this morning about huge amounts of zinc and vitamin C helping patients recover faster from this virus. My mind is all over the place. I hope everyone is well. This shit has absolutely brought out my anxiety disorder worse than it has been in years. I worry and clean every single little thing as much as I can. How do we kill something we can’t see? How do we protect our loved ones from something that might not even show up for several days? I think about the people that are homeless or live check to check and can’t work right now. How are we all going to beat this or even survive it for many!? I am sorry if my writing is suffering like my mental health is. Thank you for reading my blog and for following it! Stay safe everyone, and do not take the time we have together for granted. This is a very serious time to follow the guidelines friends, and stay at home if possible. If you can not please constantly wash or sanitize your hands. Good Luck this week! I have been surprised and so grateful by some of the people that have put out a hand and helped my family this past week, 🙂 and I will never forget it. Thank you for being here with me and remember: “Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness in people.”

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. – Dale Carnegie

Panic Blog #1 Anyone else suffering mentally right now?

Hello!!! I hope you like the Comfortably numb reference. However, at this point, it seems we were more like Comfortably Dumb about all of this entire Corona mess…
I really hope that everyone is doing well. I have been doing enough worrying, hand-washing, and soul searching for all of us lately. If you don’t believe me, feel free to ask my husband or children. I really want to address how horrible my mind has become in the last two weeks. However, I should explain a bit of my past history with being a germ freak so you can, hopefully, understand me better and/or, hopefully, not judge and laugh at me. I have had to deal with having pneumonia, because of my asthma, and being hospitalized with it since I was young off and on because I have had asthma most of my life so I never hesitate to go to the hospital when I need to. This means that I am very careful about getting sick and trying to prevent it. So, that is the first reason but essentially the smallest reason for being a germ freak. 

In the last ten years, I have had to also deal with my husband’s health deteriorating. He has been intubated on multiple occasions. You might wonder why, well, he is stubborn and has gone really long amounts of time before even going to a doctor when he is sick. He has also spent a considerable amount of time in the hospital’s CCU and ICU. His lungs are quite a bit worse than mine now even though he never had asthma growing up. Since he neglected his health continuously and nearly died, he has major scar tissue going on in his lungs now. This is what the Doctors called IPF(idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis). He also has been on a blood thinner for several years now for multiple blood clots including in his lungs and even his femoral artery. All of these scary experiences with his health were traumatic for me because we are very co-dependent. So, I was already weary of sick people because of it being hard for me to recover as an asthmatic, then you mix in the horrid health he has, and you get someone like me who always uses hand sanitizer and antibacterial soaps all year around. I also do not like to eat or drink after others even my own children. Oh, BTW- all of this was before this ugly virus that is currently traveling everywhere. It is sending the world into a state that is not unlike one of those apocalyptic types of books that I used to love to read when I was younger. Okay, so are you still with me? I am just trying to establish my history somewhat with you to hopefully understand me better. Now, I also have an anxiety disorder among other mental health issues including but certainly not limited to a touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder about germs. I am even guilty of deliberately putting third-degree burns on my hands in 2005 from repeatedly having them in scalding hot water while washing my hands after my second child was born. At the time, my way of thinking was I had to do it to get a small amount of relief from my worrying over germs because after my first child was born I nearly died from my cesarean wound having a bad infection from e-coli. I want to point out again that this is all who I am and was BEFORE this current outbreak of the COVID-19 virus. So, can you imagine what this virus is like for someone like me?

LMAO

You know, they say that one can tell who someone’s true character is if you either give them a shitload of money or put them through hell. Either way, making someone really rich or putting them through many tragedies, you get the same result. I do not know how true it is, but I do think it is close to being right for a couple of reasons. This has been in my head a lot this week. If it is true, this is what I do know for certain about myself-

1. I am a coward, let fear control too much in my life,  and I hate that about myself
2. I do have faith, believe in something more than this world, and have believed my entire life
3. My bullshit past still impacts my present
4. I have hyper empathy for the suffering of humanity. A lot of people  (I see it in my siblings) end up a bit on the psychopath side after experiencing the kind of childhood that we did. So, did I? WHO, ME??? NOPE. OPPOSITE. I care too much about shit I can’t change, what people, even strangers, are experiencing, and basically carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
5. I have control issues. I hate that about myself.
6. My children do not really understand me at all. Or where I am coming from as a parent during this time of major health concerns. Actually, they think I am nucking futs. 😀
7. Guess what else I have realized? They are Right! I am Crazy!
8. I do not really trust the government.

ARE YOU LAUGHING YET??? It is okay. I am trying to get a giggle out of you about my madness, and hopefully make someone else feel better about freaking out over all of this.

Okay, I promise that I am trying to end this blog. I am trying to shorten the length of them because I read that people do not like to read. Wtf? Really? Is that not what you do to a blog? So, since I am tripping badly the last three weeks, I have been put on um… certain restrictions. (For my own Good). I have to stop all the obsessing about this fucking virus. Therefore, I am only allowed two hours every other day online for my research on this petulant rascal. I love to write, and I love school so I love to research anything. (But I guess that I have went over the top with my Corona researching.) My husband thinks it is feeding my poor mental state which is why he put me on these restrictions. I have to stop talking about it, thinking about it, and worrying about it. (A hell of a lot easier said than done) but it is cool. I know how to put on a fake face better than anyone.  Now that, I am a mother fucking pro at.  I also have been put on restrictions with my Lysol spraying every day.

So, How are you all doing with the events of the world unfolding as they are? I feel like no one understands what all of this is doing to my anxiety, OCD,  and germ phobia. I also think that if I do not get control of it . . . well, it will not be good for me. I wish my kids understood me better. They are both teenage girls and at the moment I think they hate me. I do not want them going in the public right now. I wish they understood why. I am so so SO FREAKING SCARED of losing my husband. You know what? If God is good, I mean really good, If the REAPER is gonna come knocking at my door this year because my little family has a bill due.., please god please let it be me. I will wholeheartedly die for them and my husband. I don’t, no cant, no won’t survive one second on this planet without them. So, why don’t they see that all my panic and overdoing with the germs and isolation is out of love for them? I want to thank everyone who has given me any kind of support on this blogging journey. It has meant so much to me. I am so scared every day and it is exhausting. Then I try to be logical but it is hard because I already have an overactive brain. Here, take a look- Those racing thoughts are fucking like small nuclear bombs shooting off in my head. . . LOL. What did oppenheimer say? I am become death… It is better to laugh than cry, right? Would you like a couple more seconds inside my head? Hey Em, what is the worst thing that can happen right? It is just death. I would prefer not to suffer though. I wish that I could magically heal the world right now. I hope I die first if someone has to die in my home. Why have I taken so much for granted? Did I clean that when I brought it in? Fuck, I Suck! Did I clean that door knob? Is it safe to shop? Is it safe to order online because what if someone handles the package with the virus? What about checking the mail? Have the stores stocked up yet because I could not even buy butter or fucking lysol or even sanitizer this past Sunday. WE Need that shit in my house. Well, anyway, thanks for visiting with this crazy ass head of mine. I hope that I made someone else feel better at least. Good luck, everyone! Stay close to the ones you love and keep them safe. I fear this summer may be bad for many.

I hope this plays for you. It is from the John Hopkins University.

I know! I know! It's about Time that I Write a New Blog!

Please forgive me for abandoning you because I have missed you all, the blogging world, and creating new posts!

Hello, everyone! Wow! It has been about six months since my last post. I am going to be completely honest with myself, and all of you in this post because it is the least I can do since I messed up and stopped blogging for six months. I know many people probably will not understand me or my point for this post so I thought about not even sharing this blog. On the other hand, if it will help someone else like me not feel so alone in their mental suffering, well then, maybe I should post it. I have not written any blogs, poems, or stories in the last six months. I am still in school with all A’s. So, I get plenty of writing time with my courses but it is not the same. So, why Em have you not been writing? WELL… I was doing really great last year and I was finishing up my first year in college with excellent grades and was more motivated than ever to do something valuable with my life. My mental health had been doing good for over a year and a half. So, I get this GREAT idea toward the middle of October 2019 to quit taking my antidepressant. My thinking was I do not need it anymore and maybe I can try one of those minerals like Sam-e or 5-htp if I do find myself needing something. This isn’t the first time I convinced myself I can handle it, and then end up crashing and burning. I do not know why I do it but I do. So, long story short I get depressed as fuck by the time the holidays hit and the holidays are hell for my family anyway because of all of the lost that we have endured. The panic attacks start happening, the insomnia, the extreme social anxiety, and then the depression, the lack of motivation for my writing (or anything really like cleaning, shopping, reading, even wearing makeup), the bad dreams happen often, the constant freaking worrying, and before I knew it, I was really doing horrible in every way by the time this year kicked off. Last month, I finally face myself and accept that I need help. I go to my doctor and tell him about not taking my meds. He puts me back on it. I had to stop taking it again though because it was too strong. Unfortunately, I ended up going back to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, and be put back on a starter’s dose of my antidepressant. I do not know how or why this helps me so well but low and behold this past week I start writing again, doing my makeup again, and my family starts noticing. They point it out to me, in various ways, how much better I am starting to do. So, now that I have explained what an idiot I was-

I hope that you will accept my sincere apology for not blogging. I am one of those people that’s crazy but if I start doing well I can convince myself I am no longer crazy and do not need mental help. What a joke, right? Oh, well. That’s me in a nutshell, and this is the truth about me. So, if I skip months please know I am sorry that I just am not doing well. Trust me, you do not want to read anything that I write while being like that. It can be… scary to say the least. So, stay tuned because I am currently working on a blog about my mental state and the anxiety that I am having because of the Coronavirus panic in the world around me. It seems to help ease it for me if I write about it. Who knows, maybe it will help someone else not feel so alone during this time. MOST IMPORTANTLY, please know that I have missed all of you, WordPress, blogging, and I am so sorry! I hope you all have a great week. Stay safe!

It is okay to not be okay! Mental Illness is a chemical imbalance! Not a Choice!

On the 28th of September, My Marriage became an ADULT!

Hello, everyone! Hope everyone is doing well! Can you believe I have been married for 18 years? I can’t. Wow, it has really went by way too fast. I dedicate this blog to my husband. Out of my mistakes in life, I did not make one when I chose who I want to spend my life with or who I want to father my kids. This blog is for you, love! We never failed or strayed in our marriage. That itself is cause for a celebration in this day and age. I just wanted to tell you thank you for all of the understanding and love you have given me Michael Paul Hicks. You could have had anyone in this world, and you chose ME!!! Thank you Mikey! I fell in love with you and your family pretty quickly and I left home and NEVER looked back. I could not have wanted a better husband than the one I got. I remember when I was a pre-teen. That is the age, that I started seriously to consider my family as an adult, my sexuality, and what I wanted from a male. I say this because of my childhood and young teen years, that I seriously considered dating only females at one point in my life. I really just did not like the opposite sex much. I surely did not trust them. I used to tell my friends that I wanted to marry and have kids with a man like Uncle Buck or Dan from Roseanne. Those chubby funny guys. The kind of guy that is not superficial and fake but is funny and honest. We started off as good friends, then best friends, and by the middle of senior year in High School, LOVERS. Yes, I married my high school sweetheart and ended up in a great marriage. So, the cliches are not always right. Even though it took years for him to earn my trust when he should have had it immediately, my husband helped me through my trust issues. He never punished me nor resented me for them. No, he was the opposite. Patient, caring, and understanding. He went out of his way to educate himself on anxiety, abuse, emotional issues, and PTSD. He even learned techniques to help me through my panic attacks without using benzos. Yes, I beat that addiction. Plus, Countless nights of my bad dreams that we endured together. I will always cherish those nights opening the bedroom window to smoke one, make love, and listen to the rain. Thank you for the sanity and peace of mind you gave me inside the safety of your arms. Thank you for making my dreams come true, for helping me grow as a person, wife, mother, and into the woman that I am today. You are an amazing husband and father Mikey. Thank you. I love you. and no matter what, I will until the day I die.

TRUE!!!

You are my best friend and I love being silly with you. All of those times we are joking around and just laughing those belly hurting laughs. Those memories mean so much to me. There is nothing more meaningful to me than completely having all of my walls down and being myself without any thought or worry of- do I sound stupid? do I look ok? I wish he would leave the room so I could fart or get this irritating booger out of my nose. LMAO. Now, I can just let it rip or reach up there and dig for gold and you just wink at me and lean over and fart too or if, I am dealing with a booger, you just pass me a tissue and the hand sanitizer. LOL. That is what an adult marriage is like with your best friend. And I am so grateful for it. It may not be right for everyone. However, it is perfect for me.

LOL. This would be true for me because if I am smiling in the morning… 😉 I am up to something. Happy Anniversary!

A simple Sunday blog about music, a show, and a book.

I love music! This quote from Billy Joel will always be true to me. Music creates an understanding that goes beyond words. and, therefore, Music helps create the emotional conditions for soul expansion. Have you ever been listening to a great piece of music and felt a chill run up your spine? I have and often do when listening to my favorite music. I suppose, this is, ultimately, what it means to “feel music.” It is also  a French term called Frisson meaning “aesthetic chills,” and it feels like waves of pleasure running all over your skin. Some researchers have even dubbed it a “skin orgasm.” 🙂

Hello everyone! How are you all doing? It has been a while since my last blog and I am sorry about that. Lately, I am sick in my kidneys. I have time to post though because I have been out of school this whole week. I watched OITNB and read during my free time. I loved it. Everytime I stand up for longer than a few minutes and my back feels like its caving in at the bottom, my kidneys feels hard and heavy and swollen. (They seem that way in my mind’s eye because of the pain). I have had a fever also since yesterday so will probably be going to the Dr about it Tuesday if no better. I feel miserable as hell right now. About Everything. I have basically been doing nothing for the last couple of days but laying around watching Orange is the New Black. I really love the show. I love all of the diverse characters, but my favorite character is Nicky aka the pussyslayer LOL. I am guessing she left to go do Russian Doll at this time but maybe she will come back. . . I also loved her in Russian Doll. Taryn Manning I think is her real name. I also like ol’ cRazy Eyes too. I think the prison they are in is shitty. I have no real experience to base my opinion on as far as prison goes but I have been to jail several years ago, twice. The first time was to a Federal jail for D.U.I. and it was not too bad. I mean, yea it sucked having your freedom took, being embarrassed, and not being able to be with your kids and husband. On the other hand, it was livable at least. They have a t.v. too and no overcrowding. The food is at least eatable there too. If you need toilet paper and or feminine products, they will give you some for free. In the private owned jail the second time around was awful. JUST awful. The second time was to the private owned jail here in my town and it had hideous conditions and this was in 2015 also and the last fucking time. Fungus and mold and scabies and bed bugs and lice were rampant. I was even served a bologna sandwich with mold on it too. We were in a four person cell and it was 9-10 of us. I stayed for three days and never had a bed. I did have a potato sack to sleep on. I did not have any money so I was made to do without female products and even no toilet paper. WTF right? LOL, talk about scaring someone straight. LOL for reals, though. It was that bad and I will never go back. Unless, of course, I am coming back on the other side and hopefully to help people. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I can help people by using this degree I am working so hard to earn. I also got an invitation to the NSLS- National Society of Leadership and Success. I made the dean’s list and the presidents list too. After this term, my GPA is 3.945. An A- made it go from a 4.0 to a 3.945. I am okay with it though. I am proud of myself instead of letting that get me down. I have come a long way in my life. Back to the show, I love the many social issues OITNB addresses. The Black Lives Matter movement, the U.S. demonization of Immigrants, the inhumane conditions in the prison system, the homophobia issues addressed, the hideous truth about the way the American Justice System works, and police violence are all very fucking REAL, people. All of these are equally important, nonetheless, unequal distribution of money and unequal education funding are also important to me. If you haven’t watched the show, you should. It is one of the best ones on Netflix.

The picture below is of the book, Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty. I have had a week off from school and it would have been better if I had felt better. I did read a couple of good books though. My favorite was this one and it one of my favorite ones ever. I really loved it and felt emotionally invested like I did when I watched Orange Is the New Black. The book has amazing characters one can not help but fall in love with. Even my favorite author Stephen King is quoted for saying how funny and scary at the same time this book is. The people in it felt like my friends by the end of it and I was seriously sad to see them go. I have not read a book as good as The Help since I read it back in 2009. I loved it that much. I was telling my husband and kids about it and my oldest said it was also a show on HBO. She said it was an awesome show. Don’t know about that, but I loved the twisted plot and the layers behind the characters in the book. That is important to me as a writer. The people have to “feel” real. The story does too. If you have not read it, then you should. There are so many good quotes in this book if you think about it while reading it. I noticed them and kept thinking, “Now, that is awesome real deal wisdom”. Some stuff was so funny in it too. At the end of it, when they are all at the Trivia Night, one minute I was crying for the abuse women have been through since the beginning of time and the next minute I was laughing out loud at the scene in the book. I want to share my favorite quote with you. Thank you for following me and reading my blog. Here is my most favorite quote from the book-

“Something snapped,” said Madeline. She saw Perry’s hand shining back in its graceful, practiced arc. She heard Bonnie’s guttural voice. It occurred to her that there were so many levels of evil in the world. Small evils like her own malicious words. Like not inviting a child to a party. Bigger evils like walking out on your wife and newborn baby or sleeping with your child’s nanny. And then there was the sort of evil which Madeline had no experience: cruelty in hotel rooms and violence in suburban homes and little girls sold like merchandise, shattering innocent hearts. And maybe it was more than that… Maybe it was actually an unspoken instant agreement between the four women on the balcony: No woman should pay for the accidental death of this particular man. Maybe it was an involuntary, atavistic response to thousands of years of violence against women. Maybe it was for every rape, every brutal backhanded slap, every other Perry that had come before this one.”  -Liane Moriarty Big Little Lies.

A Short Blog to say a Quick Hello and I’m Sorry! I have not been able to do a Regular Blog Yet for This Week…

Hope you all have a great weekend! Hopefully, I will be able to do a better blog post later this weekend. I just wanted to say that most givers, forgivers, and selfless people do NOT do it because they expect something in return. We are just that way by nature. To give if we have it is as natural to this kind of person as it is natural to a greedy person to be selfish. My husband and kids say, “why do it Em? They wouldn’t do it for you.” That does NOT matter. One of the greatest gifts of all to me is just KNOWING that I made someone else’s life better somehow. Do Not get me wrong. I am not perfect but I wish and plan to do a lot more for humanity and this world. Because when I see someone hurting or in pain, it hurts me. On that note: How do I create change for humanity? How do I help people through my writing? This is what I want to do. I am one of those people that is very empathic and carries all of the weight of the world on my shoulders. All of the injustices I see and read about. They all bother me. I want to stand for what is right , or honor, and justice. For Humanity. This is what I have been thinking about this week in my spare time. Sorry this is so short but it is basically mid-term week and i have my second project due in Social Science and I am busy with my essay in English 123. Just wanted to say a quick hello and remind you to keep your head up! Keep Pushing Forward! Have a great weekend! If you read my blogs and follow me; I want to say, Thank You so much. You have made this blogging – journey an awesome experience for me!

PART 2- Screams, pain, confusion, and BETRAYAL Served up with a BIG dose of Gasoline

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” 

Laurell K. Hamilton

Chapter 2- The pop of a beer can echoes through the house and with that echo came a sharp pain in the little girl’s stomach. A gnawing burning pain. A glacial pang of pain like the stab of a dagger of ice frozen from a poisoned well. She did not know then but that pain will visit her the rest of her life. When she is 36 the burning stomach pain is overwhelming and sends her to a stomach doctor. After that,  the results will reveal a (nearly 3 centimeters) stomach ulcer. As the night arrives L.T. stays in Narnia as much as possible with only background noises of her parents arguing, cussing, and shouting. It is the usual life she has, so she does not think to stop and listen to any of it. When she looks back now she knows she would not have been able to stop that night’s event. She hears her sister get home. Her name is Hallie and she is her older sister by four years. At twelve, Hallie has already gone through puberty and is into wearing makeup and chasing boys. She makes all failing grades and has never cared about it. In a nutshell, Hallie and L.T. could not be more different from each other. Where L.T. receives mostly physical abuse from Freddie, Hallie mostly endures a lot of their father’s mental abuse. His greatest hits for her are “whore, slut just like my sister, and bitch.” She does not stand up to him. She eats his insults then throws up the poison on L.T. Hallie’s greatest hits for her little sister are ugly, fat, and fat bitch. L.T. takes it all to heart. Those insults will stay with her forever. Everything about this scenario L.T. lives through affects her so much more differently than her siblings. She wears her heart on her sleeve and the world on her shoulders. She sees the injustice in it all. Life is not supposed to be this way. Fussing, shouting, hits given, hits taken, more cussing and yelling, followed up with more alcohol. L.T. goes to the garage to get away from all of them and to smoke a cigarette she stole from her parents. L.T. has asthma and was told to never be around smoking nor smoke because she will die. She starting at six and learned how to inhale them at eight. She hopes the Dr. is right. She wishes she would die from an asthma attack on a regular basis. She is too young to realize it will take years to do and she should not have taken the Dr. literally. Her sister comes out there and hits the cigarette with her. They go back in when they are finished. The TV is loud and she can hear the crowd cheering the wrestlers on. Her mother has cooked fried bologna and beans for supper so she goes to the table to eat with her younger brother. Now that she is not in Narnia anymore she notices how bad her head is itching. As she starts to relieve the itch her father comes in the kitchen where her mother is downing a beer by the sink. He rolls his eyes at the sight of L.T. and she feels the same disgusted feeling that he has always been so quick to provide. “Heya wrestling is ova’ yall sso go git ya’ sista’ and git in tha tub.” L.T. drops her fork loudly when she remembers what he is talking about. “L.T. stop slamming your fucking dishes and go git ya’ godamn sista and ya’ git n there and git naked now! Aaah’m fuckin’ taard and ready to git red of dat lice now git gone NOW! Barb go git da’ gasssolineeen!” L.T. follows her mother out of the kitchen and outside. “But mom this is soooo dangerous. We can’t use gasoline because it is too strong and I hate the smell!”L.T. Exclaims as she scampers after her mother and completely ignores her father. “Look hunnney, he’ssss jusss gonna put a little on your hair and it will be fine. His mother and grandmother used to wash their hair in it. I bets lotts a’ folksss did”, her mother slurs out her sentence as she stumbles and reaches for the gas can. An overwhelming feeling of anxiety goes off in L.T.s stomach, chest, and head when it registers to her just how drunk her mother and father are. Nonetheless, she turns around and heads back to the house. L.T. prays inside of her head. She begs God that they only use a little on their hair. Next she goes in the house and heads to the back bathroom. This house was two bedrooms and a 2 bathroom older house with a dire need for new siding on it. The first bathroom had a walk-in shower while the second bathroom had their bathtub and was connected to her parent’s bedroom. This was an older country house and located only a mile from the river and miles away from the nearest neighbor. Isolated the way her father wanted it to be. She wished she had walked down to the river this afternoon and disappeared for a while. She is so angry for allowing herself to be caught scratching her head. Then she gets ever more mad at herself for having lice in the first place. She takes a moment to stew in her own self-hatred before she walks in her parent’s bedroom. This is your fault you ugly fat bitch. God you suck so bad L.T.! After feeling a sick sense of relief from her own self-hatred she goes in the bathroom and begins to take her clothes off. She is so heavily ashamed of her body. Her sister is already in the tub, naked and looking a wee bit afraid. Her father is standing in the doorway. Hallie says, “Daddy can we please start running water in the tub?” He looks down at her and L.T. follows his eyes which are focused on Hallie’s big round breast. Hallie is still a little chubby but has lost most of her baby fat. She was already a C bra size the year before when she was barely eleven. L.T. again realizes just how opposite they are from each other. L.T. has not really started puberty so instead of breast sticking out, her belly does instead. Her sister is too busy smirking at L.T’s stomach to notice where her father’s eyes are resting which are on Hallie’s nakedness. Their brother is sitting in the floor in the bedroom playing with a couple of their small happy meal toys from the past year. L.T. wishes, not for the first time, that she was a boy. Because then she would have short hair and not have to worry about the lice. He shakes his head and then turns around quickly to face Barb as she comes up behind him. ” Look Fred, I thaannk we ssould wait. Are ya’ sssure about thisss?” She looks L.T. in the eye as she is talking.” Look at tha kids, they’a scaard.” Freddie jerks the gas can away from her and tells Hallie to turn around with her head leaned back. He tells her to put her head back more and he starts to pour straight gasoline on her head. . . The fumes start to raise in the bathroom. L.T. keeps staring at Barb in disbelief. Her mother is really drunk and her eyes are bloodshot behind her big eighties-style glasses. She will always remember the look in those red eyes. L.T. will always remember this. She remembers that big ugly home permed hair of her mothers too. She also remembers when the first screams started from her sister. In that moment, she hates them. She hates them both more than she ever has. Hate that was already a seed planted and blossomed from the insane nights of chaos that she endures. It grows in to a very ugly thing inside her that night. She feels so betrayed by the one person that she thought would keep her somewhat safe. This night will change her and her sister forever. What she does not realize until much later on is that night changed her mother too and will send her on an even worse self-destructive path than she was already on. Barb carries the guilt as heavy as a stone. Guilt so heavy this burden is a devil in itself that will stay forever. It will haunt her mother’s nightmares and stay with her during her (sober) days, an ugly shadow created by her that she will never get rid of. An ugly devilish monkey among many on her mother’s back. In actuality, this night alters all of their lives. It seems there are many devils to go around for her family’s back. Before L.T. ever gets her own dose of gasoline she begins to feel weird. Everything is suddenly hilarious and she busts out laughing hysterically. Her sister is standing up screaming her private is burning. Her mother’s head is growing smaller as her sister keeps screaming about her skin burning. She looks at her father as he begins to pour the gasoline on her own head and watches his head grow grotesquely small. His mullet looks like it is on top of a super small peanut of a head. L.T. keeps on laughing. The gasoline keeps coming. Her mother opens the bathroom window and tells Freddie to STOP. She goes for the gas can and he back hands her and they are both swaying with their really small heads. They start screaming and cussing each other. He watches her get up off the bathroom floor as she starts crying. Pain begin to rip across L.T.’s private and she jumps up screaming, ” My private is burning! Why don’t we have water in the tub? Help me God it burns! AAAAAAAGH!” He throws the gas can down on the floor and starts laughing too. She notices her sister is not screaming and crying anymore and looks over just as her mother does too. Hallie is completely unconscious by now. Barb crawls to the tub and turns the water on but it might as well be off for all the good it does. The air is so thick L.T. thinks she can see actual colors in the fumes. Barb notices Fred about to get a cigarrette out and screams for him to leave out out of fear that he will strike his lighter and set fire to all of them. L.T. feels like she is now floating in the air with the fumes. The last thing she hears as she accepts the sleep calling to her is her mother screaming for Fred to help her carry them into the bathroom up front. As she is unconscious her brother is taken to the front of the house. (She is so grateful later in life that they did not put him in the bathroom that night.) Her and her sister are carried and set in the walk-in shower in the front bathroom. They lay in there sleeping like the dead for God knows how long with the water pouring over them. Their mother is crying hysterically and is sitting in there with them. She keeps crying and begging Fred to let them call the ambulance. He went straight in the kitchen at the first mention of it and ripped the landline phone out of the wall. He takes it to her laughing all the while and tells her to call them as he throws the phone in the shower with them. Both of L.T.’s parents never black out like herself and Hallie but are high from the fumes nonetheless. Her mother keeps begging God to not let her girls die. But Hallie and L.T. stay under, naked, and with the water pouring over them through most of the night. L.T. dreams of running in a forest with rain falling all around her. Everything is wet. Next she is floating in the river on her back. She is naked and it is still raining. She hears her mother crying and wonders why she does not see her. She notices the sky looks scary and dark above her. The scene shifts to her father smiling and laughing as he looks at her. She is standing now. The ground begins to shake below her and she falls but never hits the ground. She keeps falling…Why does it keep raining ? Fear is her main feeling throughout all of these feverish gasoline-driven dreams. She finally comes to at some point in those early morning hours. She finds herself in a nightgown and in the bed with her sister. Her sister is no longer naked but still asleep. She does not say anything. Only watches her mother crying and praying. She closes her eyes and dozes back off feeling satisfied that her mother is so miserable too during this night and does not want to give her any relief. Every hour or so her mother wakes her and her sister up apologizing and crying. It takes a week to get the smell of gasoline out of her hair. She no longer has lice along with millions of brain cells. She is forever altered from this night and many other insane nights considering that she shared them with her insane parents.

“Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.”  I absolutely love this quote because it rings so true for me. My husband thought so too. I also shared one of my husband’s as an excerpt. I love his quotes. He is so brilliantly smart and we make a great pair. Me being the creative, weird, artist. Him being the fact learning, intelligent, right brain type. Together we are beautiful. His quote was “You cannot slay a dragon, until you raise it from it’s lair.” M. Hicks

 Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Just a quick note to thank you for following me, supporting me, and more importantly thank you for reading my BLOG! Sorry that it took me a couple of weeks before I could write this. I have had my husband in the hospital with Sepsis and could not deal with something like this while I was worried sick about him. He is healing now and doing alot better. 19 years together and he is my safety, security and sanity. He saved me when I could not save myself. He has held me through many long nights that I have had fractured with nightmares. I love you Mikey Hicks. Now and forever… I took this afternoon off from everything and wrote and wrote as I jammed out to my 90’s rock and cried. However, this was not written to bring up the past nor because I want pity. It is the opposite actually. This was written and shared as I am in the process of laying the past down. I can take people laughing and talking about me but as I share stories Don’t YOU DARE pity me! EVER! That is why I kept all of this hidden for so long. Well… that and I am ashamed and honestly believed I was poisonous for many decades because of my past. So No pity Please! Have a great week folks! This story is entirely a work of fiction. 😉 The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

First Part of my Story, L.T.’s Story

“The strongest actions for a woman is to love herself, be herself and shine amongst those who never believed she could.” “A strong woman builds her own world.“

If you would like to read a story today. . . A story about a young girl I know then stick around because I have decided to share just the first part of the many stories about L.T.’s life. 😉

One day and Night in the Life of L.T., as a Child (First Part) By: L.T. The bus ride home was just as dreadful and bumpy as ever. She scratched her head desperately as the bus inched closer to her home. She knew she still had lice but did not want her parents to know. They had tried that yucky mayonnaise wash and some store medicine for it. That still did not get rid of it though. She knew they would be mad, though, and yell when they realized she still had it. Since she was only 9 she did not know about the need to spend hours combing out her head like adults would have known. Well, should know. That is, if they were sober adults. That, of course, would not be the case for sweet and shy Louise Tate. I don’t know if the bus ride was so dreadful because it stank and was so hot or if it was the fact that it was inching closer and closer to Louise’s house. If I could ask her today, she would probably smile shyly and say, “Neither one was too bad” with her eyes to the ground. (Sadly, she does not make eye contact often.) Because that was who she was. L.T. was shy, extremely insecure, and forever grateful. The bus made that awful lurch all of a sudden and she hurriedly ran off the bus. She was afraid. She had so many fears. Fear of the people on the bus seeing her house, fear of walking through her door, and most importantly fear of what she might find when she walked through the door. Just as the sad and desperate young girl made it to the steps to walk off the bus she heard kids start to giggle. Then some just got louder and louder with their stifled laughs. She stopped at the bottom of the steps and turned to look at her bus driver. She loved that sweet old, simple, country man. Because He was more gentle than the wind she felt on her grandfathers boat rides’ in the summer. If she could tell you something now about it she would surely say, “He gave me gum and other candy secretly. I think he knew what kind of life my home life was like. I think he felt sorry for me” So, when her eyes met his eyes that day he pointed to the front door. She turned and swallowed hard but there was not much left to swallow so it came out as a big gulp. Fear grabbed her heart harder than usual and the kid’s laughter had gotten even louder she noticed. Right there in the doorway, Her brother. He was four years old and completely naked in the doorway. He was waving frantically and smiling ear to ear. As each swing of his hand dangled up and down… well, lets just say the hand was NOT the only thing dangling and waving. As she took the last two steps off the bus, she began to hear click, click, clicks. She hung her head down and began her walk up the driveway. She could not help herself , however, and turned to see why the bus was not driving off? She thought, “God why ain’t that bus leaving, shit?” The sight she took in was one forever burned in her mind. All of the “cool” older kids were hanging out the windows laughing and waving. As in, every damn window on that side of the bus was wide open with a kid or a teenaer laughing hysterically, waving, hollering, cheering, and saying stuff. ” Bite My Worm, Boy” ” Your nuggins are showing” “ooooh He’s gonna play the silent flute for us folks” And the stupidest sounding one she will never forget, ” Hey L.T.! Are you going to go home and play with your brother’s Giggleberries? Look! Heeee’s waiting for you!” After that, well, to be completely honest. She ran up the driveway and into her house and slammed the door. From the sun into a dark house (plus the blurring of tears in her eyes) It took her a full minute for her eyes to see what was in front of her. She half closed and rolled them up when she did completely see her laying there half naked in the living floor. She must still be feeling bad from the night before. Louise glance’s at the clock that reads 4:00 pm. Great! One hour…She looks back to her mother. Passed out in her underwear only. Her mother was always a small fragile thing. She had birdlike features and ate birdlike too. She was not a loving and comforting mother, Hell, she was mostly a “non-existent” mother. She did the little things though. And lord knows Louise just wanted love and the little things. There was a jug of sweet tea in the fridge (Beside two twelve packs of beer, of course.) The sweet young girl grabs her a glass and then goes to search her parents room for a pair of underwear for her brother, Tommy. She gives him some tea and puts him in front of the T.V. She succeeds and throws them on him quickly. She gets her glass and her new favorite C.S. Lewis book. The fourth book called The Prince Caspian. L.T. loves the Chronicles of Narnia. More than any other books or series. She has read a lot since she first learned to read. It is and was her escape. She fantasized often that her and the characters of the book are close. She longed for a man/father figure like Aslan in her life. That a man can be kind, humble, fair, loving, yet strong. She needed to know that good will prevail over evil. She was reading her fourth novel now and loved it like the others. It is quotes like this that she will always remember, “Lucy buried her head in his mane to hide from his face. But there must have been some magic in his mane. She could feel lion-strength going into her. Quite suddenly she sat up. “I’m sorry, Aslan,” she said. “I’m ready now.”
“Now you are a lioness,” said Aslan. “And now all Narnia will be renewed.” Well, time in Narnia makes her time in real life fly and she realized quickly enough it was 5:00 pm. She sighs as she leaves her bedroom. Well, it is basically a hallway with a twin size bed in it but, again, she was happy for it. She runs in the living room and starts to shake her mother awake. She finally opens her eyes behind her big 80’s style glasses. Shortly after she is on her feet. L.T. says over and over out of fear, ” Momma it is 5:10 p.m.” (Oh, thank you God for her getting up before he gets home, Thank you) L.T. thought as her mother ran to the bathroom to quickly get dressed. She hears their gravel driveway crackling and it registers to Louise that he is home. She runs around trying to clean up Tommy’s toys. Tommy is starting to get hungry and that reminds her that she is hungry too. He walks through the door and looks at her first, as usual. He stares at her with the exact same eyes she has. Although they both truly have rare multi-colored blue, green, and slight brown specks in them and they both have beautiful eyes covered with dark thick lashes. She hates it and she hates him. She HATES him. A lot of the time growing up it seemed like she was the only other one in her family that had any sense. I mean, any sense of justice or intelligence. He had intelligence too at one time, but alchoholics like him do not keep their wits usually and he did not. He was the kind of drunk that drinks from sunup to sundown, on the weekends, and every night off, or every holiday off from work. This of course, was Before he lost his job… The nightmare of having him home constantly home will come soon enough but poor L.T. does not know it yet. He seems in high spirits she thinks as he talks about some stupid wrestling match he was going to watch that night. She unconsciously scratches her head as she looks at him, watches, and observes him. She is scared and trying to gauge what kind of night it will be. He looks over at her suddenly, “L.T., you still have lice? Why can’t you fucking get rid of it? You know what, I have a new head lice formula that is guaranteed to get rid of them. Barbara, (L.T.’s mom) later tonight we are going to put all of the kids in the tub and use something on them that we should have used long ago. Ha! Ha! Ha! You will see, L.T.” He laughs in a really demented kind of way, HA! haaa haaa heee hee. It makes L.T. sick in her stomach. “You think you are so fucking smart all the time reading or writing little girl but I bet, No I guaran-fucking-tee that you have never heard of this.”

Hey everyone, if you are still with me, I hope you enjoyed the First PART of the stories I hope to share in this blog. If you enjoyed it or if you did not because of whatever reason please leave a comment. Thank you so much folks for being here with me on this journey. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. After all, it is the little things that have always meant so much to me… Also, I hate that I can not write in these blocks with actual different paragraphs all in one block. It is making it difficult or shitty to write stories in this blog. What am I not doing right? Oh, and keep your eye out because I will finish the story and write the second part of that long awful night one day this week.

This is for all of you women out there! May your weakness be your strength and power and Never let anyone take your POWER!
Remember, it is not the Mountain we Conquer! but OURSELVES!!!

Poem Porn! For those that LOVE words!

“If your relationship does not give you wings -RUN! It is taking you to a cave” S.S.

              Recidivism by Emily Hicks
The Halo… I wear proudly, for I am forever bound…

My Halo haunts me with every choice because my Halo has its own voice.
My halo... I'm not worthy of this I thought to myself. 
Then it slipped down down down... As I fell to the ground.
What did I miss? I am lost now. What did I look over?Where did It go?
 If it is not above me?  I need to know! How did I lose it? 
But, Oh Yes! DEEP down I know how I lost control... "You will find it, Emily."
 This... I hear whispering from somewhere inside. 
 It is not gone? The Relief I can’t Hide.
With Agony, I fight these emotions Strong.
The Truth is...Without my Halo, I am lost inside.
The Truth...I am a coward about my Truth. 
Because it is too much. It is a Truth I do NOT want to Touch. 
I look in the MIRROR. . . Oh, Yes there is my Halo. 
My Truth. Right There!
Around My Neck…I Swallow Hard and move closer to Check.
I feel sick and don’t make a sound…
There is My Halo, My Truth because we are always forever bound.
I am filled with so much denial and disbelief.
The Truth did not bring me any Relief.
I am sure you know why… It is obvious What my Halo has become.
 Even though I was oblivious, DEEP down,
 I knew where the Stranglehold was From. 
I will do everything in my power to break it…The truth I will admit.
This is what I think to Myself as my eyesight is blurred from crying.
If I can’t break free from The Noose...
I will accept that this is the end and my Redemption is slowly dying. 

Thanks for Coming! I hope you enjoyed it.

Warm Regards, Emily Hicks

Do “Ghost Thoughts” Haunt Anyone Else’s Mind???

Hey everyone! I first want to say I am sorry for not being active at all this week on here. I am about to start the last week of this term and since there are no breaks between this one and the next I am really trying to finish this term up early to create a small break for me next week. I find it very beneficial to have the few days off in between terms. Secondly, I have just been depressed this week (to be real with you) as I am sure you can tell by the title of this blog. I was told this week that I need to write for an audience of one-Me. My blogs are good but they are not my best because I am worrying too much about what people will think. So, in light of that wisdom that was bestowed to me this week, I am going to write just for me from now on.

Do you like my Alice in Wonderland theme for this blog??? I hope you get my subtext of it 🙂

“Forgetting pain is convenient. Remembering it, agonizing. But recovering the truth is worth the suffering.” Chesire Cat

Well, my ghost thoughts started on Father’s Day and then the week (not to mention my mind) just went to shit after that. I obviously have birth parents. I am not speaking about them though when I am saying mom and dad. I felt I should clarify that. I sure as hell am NOT going to talk about my birth father in relation to fucking Fathers Day!!! NOPE. . . I was depressed and grieving on Father’s Day because I lost a truly Great man, person, father, grandfather to my kids, and friend back in 2013. He was my husband’s father. His name was John and I am tearing up now just typing this. The pain never goes away, does it? I know it may be selfish on my end but I cant help and think why give me such a fucked up birth father and fucked up childhood, then at 17, give me dad. Then 13 unbelievably fast years later take him away??? WHY??? I know I should be grateful for just having those 13 years and I AM. But it just pisses me off. I mean, it makes me so filled with fury and rage. He was the most awesome person to talk to. We both shared a huge love for the Beatles and I will never forget our discussions about the members, songs, and analyzing their albums. Having a beer with him and playing Rook we made an awesome team together. We had our system and communicated without communicating and kicked ass being Rook team-mates because he was intuitive like me. He was a thinker like me too and he also had anxiety like me. At family get togethers we would give each other that mutual understanding smile, that I feel only a daughter and father can share. An understanding of- I see him and he sees me and yes this whole socializing thing you do on the holidays can be overwhelming but that’s what you do Emily when you have family like this that love each other. You get together and enjoy one another no matter the awkwardness of it. He encouraged me to write too. He also was a Stephen King fan like me!!!! I like to have fell out when I discovered this. So, of course we had those discussions and analyzed his books together because any real King fan knows there are all kinds of subtext and innuendos in King’s books. The tears are just flowing as I share this with you. My fingertips are growing cold and numb as I type and I wish this fucking loss I feel would. I watched endless baseball games, talked hours of baseball with them teaching me the game, players, teams, hell even the baseball fields, and every Monday night rain, snow, or shine, you can bet your sweet ass that dad was making chili and we are gonna be watching wrestling in those first years with my husband and dad. Oh, God how it fucking hurts not to have him here anymore and that HE’S not HERE to make those memories with his granddaughters now. And Gods how he loved his granddaughters. I cherished it so much having that male attention and affection from an awesome father figure that I had NEVER experienced in my life before. I never was really even comfortable around men nor trusted men until I met my husband (Mikey) and our brother (Jason) and our father.( Dad). You know what? I would fight the battles a hundred times over in my childhood again and again if it meant I would always receive the blessings I received at 17 years old. Growing up I would beg God and Jesus please send me someone to love me. I remember praying, “ Please let me have a good decent husband and children God please let me have that when I am an adult. I don’t care about money or anything else God if you would just give me a family that loves and really knows who I am and likes who I am and who encourages me to be who I am“… Ya know, I guess the universe knew what it was doing the whole time because I actually received my wishes and my prayers were definitely answered. Mikey (Real name Michael, and yes, like the Great Archangel Michael) swooped in and saved me when I needed it the most at 17. He became my best friend and I fell in love with him and his family. HIs father overheard my real mom’s husband (Not as horrifying as my birth father but still sorry as hell) on the phone one night saying “Get home to give me a blowjob. We are drunk and your mother says to come home. I need a blowjob.” This was in 2000 and back then houses had landlines. There was two in Mikey’s house. During that conversation I was yelling and crying into the phone and on the other phone Mikey and his parents were listening. They knew I was damaged enough. They knew I had so many fucked up problems and nightmares of my memories from my childhood when I stayed all night. Needless to say, when they observed my conversation, Mom and dad became outraged. They were adamant about me moving in and so I did exactly that. I never went back home for a night EVER again. I am 36 today. I do not know what would have happened that night if I had went home. My real mom was drunk and I know that she would not have let him touch me if she was awake but who knows if she would have been? I never found out and I thank God everyday for the family he sent me at a time when I needed them the most. I am sorry but I have shared enough for the night. I feel sick now and ashamed because of talking about my real father here and there and mentioning my childhood and the damage from it and now IM feeling those feelings even though I did not go into that much detail about my life with my real parents or mother’s husband….It was enough for now for me to share. Also feeling the loss of the one great father that I did have…uhh uhh. Too much. So, Thank you for reading my blog. Sorry to cut if off like this but I just can’t… anymore tonight.

On a lighter note, Yay for Reading! As my dear cousin Heather said today, ” To read or not to read.” or Like in the great Blind Melon song, No Rain, he says ” It rips my life away but it’s great escape”

I have read two awesome books this week. That is what I tend to do these days when I am down or haunted by my own miserable mind. I started that as a child but as I grew into a teenager I turned to drugs for times like this which turned into addictions. So, now that I am not spending my life that way, in the last couple of years I have turned back into a book addict. I read Trust Me and that was a disappointing end in it and I do not even remember the author’s name at the moment but I felt unsatisfied when I was finished with it. The second book I read was by one of my favorite authors Blake Crouch. The title of this one is Black Matter and I loved it. It is one of those books that create a lot of thought provoking “what ifs about what if the multiverse really exist” while you read it. I also loved his Wayward Pine series I read last year. I got another one by him this week , but I have not read it, called Recursion. The Silent Patient is my current book I started it today and LOVE IT. The author is Alex Michaelides and this is the first time I have ever read his book. I think it just came out this year. It is about a psychoanalysis who is working in an artist , a painter, that supposedly killed her husband. She was found with her own wrists cut deep at the murder scene and fingerprints on the murder weapon. It has been six years so far and she has not spoken since. She has done a self-portrait of herself though (I think this is a major clue in figuring out what happened that night) but I have not finished the book yet anyway. I still will not say anything else because no spoilers here folks. I hate spoilers so I will not give any away during any of my P.O.V.’s of books, shows, or movies in my blog. Well, thank you for coming and I hope you enjoyed this week’s only blog.

In relation to my current book I am reading, here is an awesome quote from the beloved good ol’ Sigmund Freud “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” I love this because If I have learned anything in my life, it is this!

Sharing about who I am…

I wanted to share this because I can proudly say that I used my trauma from childhood to learn and grow into a decent person instead of continuing the cycles of abuse and much more. I am not perfect nor will I ever be. I am not over it nor will I ever be. I have accepted all of it and that is a huge step in healing. Was for me at least. Facing the trauma and knowing it was not my fault and learning I am not tainted or poisoned because of it. Thankfully, I met someone and his family at a young enough age that they could heavily influence me and in a lot of ways raise me. I owe every bit of the good in me to him and his family. My grandmother (Nanny) is blood and (as she would have said, “Bless her pea picking heart” ) was also a huge influence and I would NOT have survived it if not for her I do owe her a huge Thank you Nanny! I am so grateful I had you as a child in my life. Even though we did not meet eye to eye on your Pentecostal religion.(That’s another story for another time) Thank you Mikey, mom, dad, Jason, Grandma, Heather, Aunt peggy and the rest of the Hicks.

“Life isn’t about finding yourself-Or finding anything… Life is ABOUT CREATING YOURSELF.”

BOB DYLAN

Hello everyone! How are we all doing this week so far? I am having an okay week I guess. I am still adjusting and learning to blogging. I have had a rough week with one of my children. I just wish she knew what I meant yesterday when I used a metaphor similar to the road not taken by Robert Frost. I feel like she is more or less at a very important crossroads type of situation in more ways than one. I just hope she heeds my advice about being mindful about what consequences will come after certain actions. I plan on using this post to get a little more personal with all of you about who I am and how and why I am who I am today. If you read this and are surprised about anything I said please keep in mind that we all have our own perspectives about life and also things that happen in life. These posts on this blog are merely just my perspectives on stuff. That is why it is called L.T.’s POV. The L.T. is for Louise Tate. I did it this way because part of my class next year will be about starting a blog and creating a pseudonym. When I found this out I thought why not go ahead and start this since it could be a growing experience for me as a writer. . Anyways.. Back to L.T. (Louise Tate )Both of the names are from grandmothers that hold a very special place in my heart for different reasons. The POV is of course POINT OF VIEW. Before I start I just want to tell the ones that have messaged me saying they like and enjoy my blog (u know who u are) thank you so much. To the ones that comment -thank you too and I am so grateful for all of you for being here with me. … I read today that people get bored with long blogs. I read not to write long parts so in light of that I guess I am already finished with this blog. LOL, wow. Why do I either read online or have other classmates telling me people do not like to read? I am constantly being told not to be too wordy in my assignments. I have to say I had no idea and this is very hard for me. I lucked out with my Humanities Professor. Professor John is what he has us call him. (if any Hicks blood are reading this, you know why I immediately liked him because of that name.) He actually loves all of my wordiness and encourages it. He even likes me being outspoken and likes how much my beliefs, views, and feelings affect my assignments. Example: I had to write a paper on The Statue of Liberty after reading an article he assigned to us. There was many questions and here you go I am gonna copy and paste one of the questions a long with my answer:

Emily A. Hicks

                                                  Humanities 100 4-3 June 2, 2019

1. Having read the articles presented in this learning block, reflect on how their discussion of intent and the changes to it affect your interpretation or understanding of the Statue of Liberty.

Before reading these articles I had read and knew The Statue of Liberty was based off of a Roman Goddess named Libertas who represents freedom. However, after these articles, I learned something surprising and new. She was originally created from the statue inventor (Bartholdi). He created her for Egypt to be placed near the Suez Canal. Her Egyptian and Muslim history was very surprising and I am happy to have learned this knowledge. It saddens me greatly and fills me with shame that America is in the process of losing our roots. My personal feelings about the dehumanization of immigration in the United States, that I am currently raising my two daughters in, is heart -breaking to me. I think this is a sad and scary fact of the world we are now living in. The truth is just simply allowing the P.O.T.U.S. to use dehumanizing language is scary in itself. This dehumanization should make Americans angry and upset but from what I observe this is actually allowing us to dismiss proper judgement and real feelings about it all around. Why do we not understand allowing our system to exist with dehumanizing corruption is in fact making us dehumanize ourselves? My own feelings about it is that Lady Liberty has hugely fallen from grace in the past few years. Lady Liberty’s Muslim and Egypt roots are ironic in a poetic kind of sense to me because we are now closing borders to Muslims and other Immigrants. If Lady Liberty could, I believe she would bow her head in shame.

Okay, Are you still with me? The above portion in black is my answer for the first question. Now here is the feedback from my Professor:

A

Individual Feedback Hi Emily,Thanks for your submission and your note–I certainly do not mind if you go a little beyond the scope of the assignment. Connecting what we are doing in the course to what is going on in the present is more than welcome. You are making some important observations, and I think that you are right in drawing those connections.Please see the rubric for your complete score and my comments.-John HUM 100 4-1 Rubric feedback: Excellent job! You provided in-depth analysis, and you incorporated the specific ideas of the course. I enjoyed reading your thoughtful work. Engagement of Response: You did a good job thinking about the different ways that we can interpret the Statue of Liberty! Response Content: Well done! Nice job considering the relationship between France and the US and in relation to current events. Question: I’m glad to see that you are considering thoughtful questions about your artifact. Communicates Clearly: Your answers are well written.

Statue Of Liberty and the New Jersey skyline at dusk

So, anyway, that was just a small example of how open I am in this class and how awesome my instructor is. I guess you should be open-minded if you teach a Humanities course lol. I certainly hoped so. My Liberal Arts was not as accepting of the way I write and even gave me a B- for being too wordy ! Yes, I cried because that is the lowest grade I have ever made and I’m two weeks away from starting my 3rd term. I spend a lot of time on my courses so it means a lot to get them awesome grades.

I guess I will go but I want to apologize if I did not fulfill my main intention with this blog. Which was to share some of my personal side with you all. Just think about it like this: My college is huge to me and a huge part of my personal side right now in my life. I know so many expected me to fail and thought I would not stick with it or just would not do as well as I am doing. I want to clarify that I am glad I have been told that some folks are thinking that of me because I turned that hurt into motivation to not only succeed but to do my absolute best. So, Thank You. I just do not share who I really am with many people. I am weird like that. I use my anxiety to build a wall and keep it up at all times. I hate that about me. It makes me come across as fake and ungenuine or worse, as a stupid person. I just do not know how to be me around people. I am so worried about not being loved or accepted for my own original thoughts, feelings, and views. The only people left on this Earth that know the real Em is my husband, two daughters, and my brother. My blood family do not even know me. The brother I speak of , the mom and dad I talk about are not my blood family. Nonetheless, the Hicks family are more to me than I could have ever asked for and more family to me than any blood family I have. They showed me love that I never knew existed or understood my whole life until I moved in with them at 17. Well, I will explain more this weekend. I made this blog entirely too long I guess. If you are still with me THANK YOU! thank you thank you 🙂

Sunday’s Blog

“Blogging is to writing what extreme sports are to athletics: more free-form, more accident-prone, less formal, more alive. It is, in many ways, writing out loud.”

Andrew Sullivan

Hey Everyone! Sorry about last night’s post being a few days late. ( I had it written for you Wednesday). A few thoughts for this week. Firstly, I want to say I really missed blogging. I just did not have the time for it really. I am still nervous about it and feel kinda silly using it the way I am which is kind of like a journal. Secondly, I watched the new Charmed this week on Netflix and loved it. I was not even a fan of the first one. Well, I liked it and watched a couple of seasons many moons ago but I loved the new one. I like the three witches in it a lot. The story line was awesome and the effects too. My husband even liked it and watched every episode with me. Another new one we watched a couple weeks ago was Roswell. The flashbacks to the 90’s and aliens !!! For me, that is a couple of my favorite things ever. Last night we stayed up all night and watched a show called Black Mirror. We lite one of our Yankee Candles that Heather( a cousin) gave me. In case you see this ( thanks again Heather for my candles). We had not stayed up like that in years and watched the sun rise. I was so happy last night because at about 7 p.m. I uploaded and submitted my final assignment for school. This week was good in school. I chose the Aboriginals and one of their paintings as my ancient artifact to write about. Hell, here check out the image

Aboriginal Ancient Art from 50,000 years ago of the Wadjinas (Ancestral Spiritual Beings)

I enjoyed that a lot since I love to study the Aboriginals. I find them fascinating and they have the oldest cultural History and their History is all passed down through stories, cave art, songs, and drawings. They have no written languages. Does anyone else think their Wadjinas favor our version of Aliens? They even talked about this on Ancient Aliens. That is just one of their pictures and there are so many more that look like it. Well, guess I should go but I am going to save this draft and finish it up tomorrow. If you are still reading this I want to say a quick thank you.

New Season of Black Mirror !

Season 5 of Black Mirror is on Netflix! Although the season is short for even this show , ( it only has three episodes) I really loved all three episodes. The first episode was nuts. I am not going to give away any spoilers but when ol boy said, ” I fucked a polar bear man and it still wasn’t as good! A fucking polar bear”! Oh for fucks sake 🙂 I was laughing so hard. I also want to share that I am in a long-term marriage (19 Years together) and at the end of it my husband says to me ,”But that is actual cheating. He is not cheating in the same way.” UHHH REALLY? WTF. That game has all pleasure and pain sensors going on during the time that you are playing! a hem …I am sorry but I have to say , Leave it to a man to say some shit like that. Just kidding guys 😉 I really do not want to give anything away so I can not really elaborate more than that but here is my opinion that I oh so kindly shared with my old man : “Of course that is fucking cheating, Mikey! ” I do not care if its virtual or not. Hell, even if you could not get those physical sensations during the game, cheating is cheating in my book. Actually cheating online may be even worse than physical cheating because it is freaking EMOTIONAL cheating. Emotions are more intense and more meaningful and harder to let go of than a hour long physical act with someone you never see again. I do not think either is good for a relationship. That being said sorry but cheating is cheating. An emotional affair is just as wrong as a physical one. The second episode was great too. No spoilers but I will point out that the dude with the long hair that is at the silent retreat is freaking Topher Grace! Then on to the final episode: Lemme just say Miley Cyrus had me soooo fucking pissed off through most of the episode because I immediately picked up on the song she keeps singing being a redo from one of my favorite bands NIN! Not just a typical redo but she completely took out all of his lyrics and replaced it with some of that pop bulshit. Folks, I am talking about HEAD LIKE A HOLE. Toward the end you will find out though that it is not (Ashley) the character’s fault.. The cunt aunt is the one to blame and Miley (Ashley in the show) rectifies it by singing the original version Trent Reznor did probably before she was even born. I have to say I loved the Ashley too robot by the end. So, to sum it all up, if you are a fan like me then check it out. The only disappointment is that it is only three episodes. Well, I guess that is all for now. Oh if you are a REESES fan like me then check out the peanut butter lovers new one out. I loved them so much and basically inhaled four peanut butter cups on the spot lol. They taste just like the Smoothies peanut butter cups I used to buy at the Dollar General. I wish they still made them. If you are still reading this I again want to thank you for being here with me on my journey of blogging. I still am reading about personal blogs online and I am still unsure about all of this but I will just keep sharing with you all and hope you stay and support me. I think as an aspiring author this is a huge learning experience because of the fact this is making me share some of my self with the public. If I can do this then I should be able to share what I really want to share (my books) …right???

Just a quick Hello before I crack the books open

Have a Great Wednesday folks!

Hello everyone hope you are all having a great start to the week. I have a lot of school work to do this week and I worry if I will have much time for my blog. I have spent a lot of time finding followers and reading tips (not much help either) and I have neglected my school work since Sunday. I have not spent any time on creative writing for my personal use either. I even made a fakebook page for this blog. Fakebook was about the only social media I had used before this. Now I have a tumbler account,(whatever that is) , Twitter, and a Pinterest account. Who would have thought this could be so time consuming? This week we get to write papers on Ancient art,Renaissance art,and art from the Middle Ages. So, of course I am super excited to jump into that. The CWRC (Creative Writers Review Club) newsletter was published. There was a mention of me for winning first place for April's story of the month. I have to go but I have a poem I am working on and when I finish it and edit it I will post it. I also hope to share more of myself and I want to thank you for being here with me on this discovery to finding my blog voice. I still have no idea how to use this blog yet or finding my niche.So thank you for your patience. Will be back soon! 

You Are My Sunshine!

Hello Friends! Hope everyone reading this had an awesome weekend. The highlights of my weekend were putting up a blog. The biggest one is you all! My followers! Yay! YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE! Thank you for making my weekend. If you have not followed me please please please do. So, today I finished my school work and that was awesome. I just finished not long ago so I am not sure how long I am going to blog tonight. I promise tomorrow’s blog will be better. I have plans of trying to get at least a couple of my poems typed and posted this week. I have a lot of poems but they are all handwritten. My stories are too. The delicious cinnamon rolls I made was a highlight for me 🙂 I earned two A’s in my Humanities class. No surprise there because I absolutely love the subjects and material we cover. I already emailed and heard back from my advisor on the fact that I am going to sign up for three more Humanities classes for electives. Yay! The term I am in right now is awesome. My other class is English Comp. Yes, of course, I love it too. I had to write and submit my draft for my Final last week. Today I received back the draft’s grade. I made an A. My professor sent an email saying that draft was difficult to get an A on. She went on to say that a B grade was considered high quality so I am so freaking proud of myself. That’s my three A’s. The draft was actually a 99.25. WTF? She marked off .75 for a brief citation at the end of a paragraph. omg, those citations are gonna be the death of me. I dig all the jazz about the citing because, being a writer myself, I respect giving credit where credit is due. I am 36. A freshman undergraduate in my second term. I have been writing my whole life and an avid reader. Reading is my shit. That is my niche. Ha! (trying to pick a niche for blogging is another blog for another time) I just want to explain that I have never done any school since High School in 2000. That is why the APA format is new and MLA format. I spent a whole week teaching myself both though during the beginning when I learned how to even use Microsoft Word. See, I was OLD School with a capital O. This is All new to me. So, citations in APA and MLA are really new to me. Nonetheless, I love school. I wish I could get a job going to school. HA! I use LOL but um… do not always. I like the old school way of saying laughing out loud like in letters. Ha ha ha 🙂 don’t like those a lot either but it is what it is. I fought the technology age as long as I could but had to accept it in the end. 😦  Hmmm. I went downstairs and I am now at the table and lost all train of thought on this blog. ….The damn Fray playing How to save a life is not helping me get the thought back… I lost a friend..how to save a life ha ha ha. My goal after starting school was to start a blog. GET OVER YOUR freakin FEAR L.T. !!! That my friends is the real freaking goal. I am insecure as **** about well um basically everything. Yep. I’m kind of pathetic and lame in person. LOL, but for reals. Extremely Introverted. But geez my head now that is one no several outgoing talkative mfers up in theya! And them di*** don’t Eva shut the **** up. Eva…They analyzing on top of analyzing everything. Constantly picking apart all kinds of shit.

I’m back had to get a drink of my daughter’s Tampico lol. She just comes up behind me “eewww mom it smells like old people in here.” O WTF I SWEAR..fucking teenagers. yea, I am mad now. I am not covering up the cuss words LOL. And this is my nice one! “God Of Wine” a  fraudulent zodiac I said it now I’m going ur not even around … I said no no no no..I can’t keep it all together. I know I know I can’t keep it all together. lol. love you third eye blind. Shit, my third eye is blind probably at this point. Okay, I am going to have to go. My mean one just came in with her makeup fixed and is trying to take the trash out (She is normally lazy as i’ll ever get out and oh low and behold now she has a keen interest in taking some damn trash she got from her room out at 11:45pm) Right? Guess I will go since she tried to spill my damn drink “accidentally” right by my freakin new compooter ha. So good nite friends. Hootie singing let her cry now. Oh, how poetic….If you read this blog I hope you could hear my cutting up and talk funny to you. Thank you for spending a moment with me. Please follow me and send some love to this here blog

A smile on my face with A Silent Scream in my heart…

Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe ❤️💯

Hey, EVERYONE! I hope you are well. I am sorry if my blogs tend to get depressing. I struggle with mental health and I’m dealing with a sh!tload of stress these days. This is my space for venting and releasing. If you don’t want to read any of that stuff, I understand. Just mosey on to the next blog please.

Well, we still are not vaccinated. Any of us. Him or the girls. Hopefully, we will Monday though. I’m still super nervous about it. Especially, for Mikey because of his health. We have been sick the last couple of weeks. Dealing with sinusitis, strep, kidney infection, & Mikey ended up with walking pneumonia from it. Well, of course, this has made his scar tissue worse, therefore, his lung capacity is even worse now. His pulmonary therapist that comes to our house is going to recommend to get him a BiPAP machine. Then, they could also monitor his oxygen levels at night with it. It would also help him with keeping oxygen levels more raised than his regular oxygen at night does. I’m growing more and more worried, depressed, and scared about him. I try to make life as normal as possible for him but not working with all the sh!t we are going through with his disability appeal. I was on the phone and the state blaming the lawyer and they are blaming the state. It’s all fd up. It makes me sick. He shouldn’t have to be dealing with money struggles and doing without stuff because of it. He needs a new nebulizer but we can’t afford it. He needs new shoes and a haircut. We need tires for his Dr appointments. It’s just wrong. He’s not perfect but always made sure we were okay and everyone had what they needed. He is an amazing father and husband too. His time left here should be fn better than this!!! If it was cancer, it would be all kinds of help and resources available. Hey, if you are still reading this and have some ideas for resources or help please leave a comment. Thank you for reading about my family and life.

At least, I am trying to process and cope with positive and healthy choices.

I am so exhausted. But I never sleep more than a couple of hours. I am sad but I still keep trying to make others smile and feel good. I am scared to death of losing him. I am so close with him after these 21 years together. My best friend, my safety, heck, even my sanity. He’s helped me grow so much. We always have brought out the best in each other. . .

May Love Be What You Remember Most!

Thank you for reading my blog. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. . . BREATH!

I almost forgot! If you could please share our Go Fund Me for more exposure that would be great! Or donate if you want to. Thanks 😊 https://gofund.me/363a70df

Help For The Hicks Family

Hi, I’d really appreciate it if you would share or donate to this GoFundMe. Please read our story and share. I worked all week on this. You can’t possibly imagine how hard this is for us to reach out and ask for help. Thank you! https://gofund.me/3580714e

Free Falling Deeper …

I’m so stressed out. So full of anxiety this week. So, freaking miserable in many ways. God, please hear me tonight. Please, give me guidance somehow on the best decision to make for my family. I don’t have parents to go to for advice. I just have to work everything out on my own, and I guess that’s why I freaking suck. Lol. FML.

AMEN ❤️🤗

I hope this post doesn’t bother my followers. Hell, I’m just being real with you and myself. So, are you vaccinated? I’m asthmatic, and no, I haven’t been vaccinated, yet. In the past, my husband has had A pulmonary embolism, deep vein thrombosis, and a clot in his femoral during the last five years. He has been prone to clots for several years now, and he has been on warfarin. So, with all the articles about the clots and vaccinations, do we get one? Is it really worth the risk for him? However, he is also on oxygen therapy and nebulizer treatments with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis too. So, what do we do ?!? My daughters are already mad that we haven’t received the vaccines yet. All of their teenage friends are vaccinated and back to living life pre-covid. WTF 😒. My daughters are pissed because they are not. Again, FML‼️All of this, has me really struggling mentally. I’m feeling so guilty about everything, such as, how isolated we are still living, the shitty year my teenage daughters had because of us (their parent’s health). It isn’t fair to them. At all. It isn’t healthy for us either. Basically, we are not living because of the fear of dying from this shit. So, should we get the vaccine then? God, if my husband got clots from it or or something else happens. I don’t know what I might do. I know I would never forgive myself.

I am grotesquely disgusted with all of this. It is all overwhelming, and I’m freaking sick of it all. 💯

Thank you for being here. I really appreciate it more than you know. Much MORE. Stay safe and be kind. Always ❤️🤗

My first blog since the pandemic started last year. . .

Hey, everyone! Wow, this is also my first blog on the app on my phone. I usually do the website on my Chromebook. I wonder if I have anyone anymore to even read these sh*tty blogs I publish here with the free plan.

I am disappointed in myself for not already buying a domain and or a plan. I’m also devestated about the way I stopped blogging when I got overwhelmed with the world, life, myself etc. If you are reading this thank you for being here so much! I am so sorry, but I warned you in the beginning that I suck. LOL 😉

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So, how are you? I have no idea where to start. Wow, what a year. Am I right? My anxiety is still very intense, and I’m still doing everything I need to do for germs. Like I said last year, I am a germophobe. I have been for years because I have always had asthma. Therefore, I have always struggled when I get sick. I spent the first two years of my life in and out of the hospital. Hell, the first two weeks on this planet, I was in the hospital with pneumonia. So, you can imagine why I have always dreaded getting colds and the flu. Which is how my obsession with germs started.

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😆

So much to say, yet, I don’t have anything to talk about. I am still in school and it is hard. With everything going on with life, my husband’s health, homeschooling our kids, just everything has been a real struggle for me. The energy of the world has been so heavy with grief and our system is incredibly f*cked, and I have felt everyone’s trauma and struggle. I spent many early mornings, when it’s still dark, cool, and quiet in the house, just meditating on all of it. Praying and healing and crying and just spending some time giving respect for all the people who died, dying, sick, grieving, losing family and friends because it is times like these those true colors come out, and for everyone struggling financially.

EQUALITY For EVERYONE!

We need to stop all the hate. I have always loved humanity. No matter your race, economic status, religion, where you are from, size, sex, etc. I will always use my voice and fight with everyone for equality and justice. We all bleed red. We all matter. I love you all! Thank you!

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I do see you. Yes, you! I care about what you are going through, & I need you to know, that you are not alone.

If you are still reading, thank you! I hope to spend more time writing here on WordPress very soon.

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I’m a lonely person at heart, I need people, but my social anxiety prevents me from being happy.

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